I kinda hope you read this

No one knows about this stupid blog. Yes, you might come across it because it is attached to my twitter where I post as much bull shit as I can think of. But this blog tends to be more serious so you might want to click out before you waist 5 minutes of your precious life. Because what I have to say is not that funny.

So to catch you up to speed the pass two months have been retarded stupid. I ended up in a spot that I never intended to be in but sadly knew I would be in about 6 months ago. I have these strange feelings sometimes and they are usually right.

I was at a bar with my single boss with whom I had been flirting with since I met him. I was so drunk that I don't remember most of it. But there was one part that I remember in such sharp clarity that it almost haunts me. He was sitting at the end of the bar and we were flirting, as usual, but then he stopped and called me out. He said "You only like me because I am your boss and it's a chase." I froze. He wanted an answer so he asked me again. I still didn't say a dame word. Not because I didn't know the answer but because I knew the answer so clearly that I wanted to throw up. I couldn't look him in the eye and confess that I was that shallow. Yes, I was flirting because it was a chase and a thrill, it made my heart beat so fast it was addictive. I wish I could go all the way back to that night and simply squeak out a yes. A simple yes and it would have been over. A few months later he would have resigned and we may have even been friends. But that is not what happened.

I won't boar you with that details of the months fallowing; so to make it short and sweet I convinced myself the lie was the truth, and boy did I believe it.

Part of me doesn't care that I got myself to believe it; because EVERYONE does it. It is something most people do to make life the way they want it to be, not the way it truly is. However, I feel like I am different than most people I function by a higher code. The fabric of who I am consists of a girl who does what if right NOT what is easy. That night I took the easy road so I spent the months after changing how I felt so that I convinced myself we could have a relationship and it work. Mind you it was all a lie I fed myself.

Things got really shitty. That's all you need to know about the middle if the story.

Fast forward to tonight:

I sat at a table at a bar watching the super bowl, and across from me sat my old boss with his girlfriend that he cheated on with me without either of us knowing. most people would never submit themselves to that kind of torment. The strange part is that it was torment for me. I really don't care that I am not with him, because remember I had to convince myself to like him in the first place, it wasn't natural. Besides I would NEVER date someone who treated me so poorly, even if I did still like them. But at the same time I am not mad. Weird I know but I'm not. If I would have gone with my gut from the beginning the whole story would have played out much differently.

The thing that hurts me is not that I am not with him, or even that she took him back. The thing that hurts me it that he wants me to go away, to fade into the background and act like I never existed. He was the one who did what he did and all I said is that I am here for him; that I will be his friend if that is what he wanted. He hugged me and said he missed me and wanted us to be friends. But I am not stupid. He wants to delete me. I can not describe the feeling. I want to fight back but I know it is pointless. I don't even know why I care. It's not even that I want to be around, I think I want to disappear as bad as he wants me to. I just don't like the way I feel knowing he wants me gone. I want to peace out slowly and peacefully not because I am unwanted. That is want hurts the worst from this whole fiasco.

On another note: I have got to know the girl he was dating while he was pretending to want to be with me. I think she in great and I want to punch him out for ever hurting her like that. I am scared as hell for her. She deserves the world not leftovers. I know that is harsh calling him a leftover; especially because I care about him too and I think he could be a great guy if he took some time to get it together ALONE. I have just seen the looks on her face as she watches him, not good looks either. The thoughts that flash threw her mind and scream out with a quick eyebrow raise or slight frown. I think in the back of her mind she knows there is more in life, but at the same time she has fought so hard. Harder than most people can even in there dreams, and she doesn't want to just walk away. He is quick and witty and can feed anyone the right answers at the right time to get what he wants, and he wants her. It is not that he doesn't deserve her, it's that she deserves more then him. If he really cared he would go away fix himself and come back for her. Not do a quick fix and skip off to Tennessee holding a bucket of broken promises and IOU dreams. Lie to yourself all you want the truth is still there, and lasting change needs time to be solid.

Why do I insist on a front row seat to the scariest drama I have ever witnessed. FUCK!

I don't see how it's related?

I will admit I do have a match.com account. It provides me with the kind of entertainment only the combination of a boy trying to catch a girl on the Internet can provide. How do these pictures tell me who they are? Are they really that ugly that they can't put up a simple picture. Mind you these are just the funny ones. I have seen enough scenery pictures cars, dogs, and sports stadiums to last me a life time. Lord help the gene pool I think it's getting worse.

A diary is probably better then a blog.

I have been sitting here for an hour looking at the screen wondering where to start. I have been bottled you for days now and I am ready to come out of hiding I just don't know how. I guess the main thing I want to say is I still haven't cried. It turns out betrayal leaves you in more of a state of shock than with a broken hart. Yeah it hurts-I guess, but I went to more of a numbed state than to pain.

I am not even sure if I want to tell my side of the story. I feel like he has told a revisionists history, not necessarily the truth. More like something he thought was the truth, or wished was the truth, but not the simple truth. Maybe he doesn't know what the truth is. That would make sense, he is simply incapable of see things clearly(his glasses are a fashion statement).

I think the thing that kills me the most is that I miss him. What in me would miss someone who has altered who I am? How I view the world and everything around me, and not for the better either. Why would I even give a second thought to someone who played weakness for his power. Someone who's only thing that resemble an apology was to try and heal himself. I don't know why I care. maybe it's pity...I don't know. I just want it to pass.

UPDATE: Sitting here staring blankly at the computer screen I finally burst into tears and cried like a baby. I guess betrayal does lead to a broken heart.

So what do I do now? I feel like my friend died. Like even if dialed the number that use to belong to him the person who answered (if there was an answer) would only tell me lies. How do you find the truth? Last week I would have told you to just trust. But trusting and being honest...well just look where it left me.

But I don't want to be that. I don't want to be the girl who questions everything because it's all a lie. I want to live, laugh, love, trust, hope, give, and just be overall happy. How can one person change to core of who I am so much? I have been through much harder things than this. One person alone can't cause that much pain.

UPDATE: I CAN STILL CHOOSE WHO I AM!