A diary is probably better then a blog.

I have been sitting here for an hour looking at the screen wondering where to start. I have been bottled you for days now and I am ready to come out of hiding I just don't know how. I guess the main thing I want to say is I still haven't cried. It turns out betrayal leaves you in more of a state of shock than with a broken hart. Yeah it hurts-I guess, but I went to more of a numbed state than to pain.

I am not even sure if I want to tell my side of the story. I feel like he has told a revisionists history, not necessarily the truth. More like something he thought was the truth, or wished was the truth, but not the simple truth. Maybe he doesn't know what the truth is. That would make sense, he is simply incapable of see things clearly(his glasses are a fashion statement).

I think the thing that kills me the most is that I miss him. What in me would miss someone who has altered who I am? How I view the world and everything around me, and not for the better either. Why would I even give a second thought to someone who played weakness for his power. Someone who's only thing that resemble an apology was to try and heal himself. I don't know why I care. maybe it's pity...I don't know. I just want it to pass.

UPDATE: Sitting here staring blankly at the computer screen I finally burst into tears and cried like a baby. I guess betrayal does lead to a broken heart.

So what do I do now? I feel like my friend died. Like even if dialed the number that use to belong to him the person who answered (if there was an answer) would only tell me lies. How do you find the truth? Last week I would have told you to just trust. But trusting and being honest...well just look where it left me.

But I don't want to be that. I don't want to be the girl who questions everything because it's all a lie. I want to live, laugh, love, trust, hope, give, and just be overall happy. How can one person change to core of who I am so much? I have been through much harder things than this. One person alone can't cause that much pain.

UPDATE: I CAN STILL CHOOSE WHO I AM!